Big Mirrors and Little Meals

This week in my bellydance class I was quite pissy. I knew when I got there that I was in a sour mood, but was hoping that surrounding myself with some cool chicks and learning some new moves would help shake the pouts I had going on. I even took a scarf to tie around my hips in an effort to give myself the illusion of legitimacy. I yanked it off after ten minutes, deciding I looked like a poser.

Part of the way through the class I was getting pissed off at the person I was seeing in the mirror. It's impossible not to compare myself with the other women in the class, no matter how I try to focus only on my own efforts. They're cool, but they're young and skinny...There is one woman who may be in her mid-thirties, but the rest are all in their 20's, and most have been dancing for a while and have slim, toned tummies. Of course I realize that an intelligent woman in her 40's would not compare themselves to women in their 20's.... this realization leads me to question my intelligence. But even if I didn't compare myself to my classmates - I just didn't like what I saw when I looked at myself.

I was able to keep from crying, but it wasn't easy. I even considered pretending to feel badly and just leaving, but I stuck it out. Success!!

See, a happy ending! You weren't expecting that, were you?

In addition to spending a long 60 minutes watching my fat ass doing Arabics and Egyptians, Choo Choos, Chest Thrusts, and Camel Walks (completely different than camel toes, thank god), I also went home from my class and chose to have a little bowl of All Bran for dinner, saving myself a lot of calories and additional feelings of self-loathing. By the time I went to bed I was feeling better about myself. But it wasn't easy.

The word for the week is PERSERVERANCE. Making healthy choices isn't easy - if it were, we'd all look like Jillian Michaels. Instead, it takes constant diligence and self-awareness. I'm in touch with my self.. now I need to make the self a self I don't mind seeing in a floor-to-ceiling mirror.

Yeah, that's right...

I am trying to get healthier.

I think I'm saying that to remind myself - not you, kind reader. I just haven't been doing everything that I could have been doing over the last week to get to that goal, so I need to give myself a little pep talk.

Today I definitely made better attempts to stick to my commitment. I had some tacos for lunch from The Flying Burrito - they had chicken, tomatoes, black olives, jalapenos and some cheese on soft tortillas. Not bad - nothing fried, at least (unlike Monday, when I ate Long John Silver's and knew with every bite that I was FAILING). Tonight, I had some homemade chicken soup with cabbage, carrots, onion, celery and rice. It was totally delicious, and helped me feel better about my efforts. I've made myself a pitcher of iced tea and am drinking it every night. One day at a time...

Not only was today successful in terms of my eating, but I also went to my second belly dance class tonight, and it kicked my ASS! I am absolutely blown away at the way my muscles feel after this class. I have trouble with a couple of the moves, the ones where I have to roll my back fluidly in an S-curve. It looks like my spine is fused... but I'm fairly confident that it's only a muscle tone issue. The core of my body is just so out of shape that I can't pull my spine around like I will when they're more toned. Thankfully, I'm not the only woman in the class who is wearing shirts that cover my belly! Several of the women are dancers, and they have gorgeous abs, and they wear little halter tops and skirts... I'm wearing my black yoga pants and a t-shirt. The belly can just stay hidden for a while longer. When I lose 20 pounds, I'll start letting it out.

So, it's been a tough week, but I did lose a half pound... and I'm on my way back on the right road. This healthy stuff is HARD.